Sunday, 31 January 2010

Why Men Love Dominant Women.

Logically it makes no sense of any man to want to live with a Dominant Woman. After all, nowadays, men can answer adverts for women in Thailand or Philippines or Russia, where we are told women are very submissive and will so anything the man wants. As it is claimed they are old fashion women who will cook and clean the house for him and he can have sex with them whenever and however he likes. So why would any man want to live with a Feminist wife who will demand equal shares in everything, or a Dominant Women who expect the man to do as he is told at all times? But logic doesn’t seem to have a lot to do with human behaviour; as it is emotions that motivate us all.

This to me was highlighted many years ago when I was part of a conversation with a woman who was complaining about her neighbor, “her over the road”. The complaining woman prided herself on being a good mother to her teenage children, and devoted her life of caring and looking after them. But in spite of everything she done for her children, none of them showed any gratitude and took everything she was doing for them, for granted. The situation was very different for, “her over the road”. She also had teenage children but the complaining women saw her as a bad mother, as she did very little for her children. For instance; in the mornings when her children had to get ready to go to school she stayed in bed and the children had to get ready themselves. Not only that, the children had to not only get their own breakfast, they had to make a breakfast for their mother and give it to her in bed! Yet, the teenage children of, “her over the road”, thought their mother was wonderful, and were happy to do anything their mother wanted. This greatly infuriated the complaining woman who wanted to know, what was she doing wrong?

After all, logic should tell you that if you give to others and love them unconditionally they should appreciate what you do for them and give love and appreciation in return. It is true some people can appreciate being loved unconditionally but not all people are like that. For instance, there is very little appreciation for unconditional love in patriarchal marriages. Many patriarchal women have given their husbands unconditional love for years; yet have only receive physical and verbal abuse in return.

The problem for any man living with a traditional patriarchal wife is that he is not encouraged to love others. Yes, a submissive patriarchal wife will love her husband unconditionally but he is not expected to give love back to her. Things are a bit better if a man lives with a Feminist wife, as he is expected to love his wife and children but it is all in the spirit of equal sharing of, “I will give it to you, if you will give it to me”. So love becomes a bargain, and a man is still not expected to give unconditional love.

Unconditional love is generally easy for women because they have a maternal or nurturing instinct. When most, (not all), women give birth they fall deeply in love with child they have given birth to. But for men, love is not so easy as he doesn’t have such a powerful nurturing instinct. If a man is brought up in a traditional patriarchal society, he is not expected to love anyone or anything. While in very strict patriarchal countries he is actively discouraged from learning to love, as love is seen as a ‘weakness’. After all, how can a man be expected to discipline his wife and children by beating them, if he loves them? Because of this, many men associate dominance with ruthlessness and cruelty.

So in a traditional patriarchal society a man is condemned to live a life where he is only allowed to love himself, and not all men are happy with this situation. When a man only loves himself, he becomes, in the words of the poet John Donne; in his poem, “No Man Is An Island”, “an island, entire, of it self”. In other words, the man becomes isolated to the degree he finds it hard to connect to other people. In this isolated world the man becomes fearful of others. This dilemma is explained by the French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre, through his famous saying, “the other is hell”, this is true when a man cannot connect with others and sees them as his enemy.

Life for the patriarchal woman is not much better. It is easy for her to give unconditional love to her husband because she uses her maternal instincts and thinks of her husband as a child. (This can infuriate some more aware patriarchal men, who realize that their wives are turning them into children). So a patriarchal wife becomes a full time mother and relates to all people in the spirit of motherly concern. Through this she learns to love all people in a motherly way but is not allowed to love herself. This is because by not loving herself she can put all the needs of others before her own and therefore not worry about the way she is oppressed and ill-treated in the patriarchal world. A woman who begins to love herself in a traditional patriarchal society, would find life very stressful.

In the last couple of centuries many men have wanted to break out of their patriarchal isolation and have looked to salvation from Dominant Women. Like Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, who in 1870 published his famous book “Venus In Furs”. This book started the Femdom genre as all other Femdom stories have followed a similar theme. Sacher-Masoch wasn’t just a fantasist; he lived out many of the themes within “Venus In Furs” with his mistress Baroness Fanny Pistor. He was also wrote articles on the emancipation of women and advocate female education and suffrage. His other writings showed him to be a caring man as he wrote about the problems of impoverished and oppressed peoples.


The problem with the Femdom genre, is that it is all about dominance and submission and because most of these stories are written by men, love is hardly mentioned. Yet, love is the key to understand Femdom, and men’s attraction to Dominant Women. Dominance and submission are thought to be a kinky perversion or even a mental illness. For instance, male psychologists used to think of patriarchal women’s desires to love her husband unconditionally, in spite of the fact he was physically and verbally abusing her, as masochism. They never thought of it as the extension of her maternal and nurturing instincts, where they loved their husbands the same way they love children.

So why do men have to look to Dominant Women for salvation? This is because only Dominant Women can teach men to love deeply.

Feminist Women can also teach men to love, but the difficulty with Feminism is that it teaches equality between men and women. So it is about men and women loving each other equally. This is not a problem for Women, but for men love then becomes a bargain. “I will love you, if you will love me”. So by making love a bargain it is devalued and not very satisfactory for both partners. But when a man loves a Dominant Women then, he is connected to a very powerful love that can take over his whole life.

What men find is that it is not easy for them to love traditional patriarchal women, they can love Feminist Women more, but with Dominant Women they find they can love them so deeply, that they want to worship and serve them and become their slaves. The reason for this; is that Dominant Women have learnt how to love themselves. The more a Woman can learn to love herself, the more deeply a man can love her. This is why men have problems in loving patriarchal women, the patriarchal women is so busy sacrificing herself and giving to others unconditional love, she doesn’t allow any room for others to love her.

As previously mentioned, although a Feminist Woman can teach a man to love, it is conveyed to him that love is a bargain. The result is that in Feminist marriages there are arguments about who is giving more to whom. So a Feminist wife may complain that she is still doing more to look after the kids and the house than her husband, who in turns thinks he is already doing a lot to help her. Which means that when love becomes a bargain, then that gets in the way of people loving each other, deeply.

There is no problem with this, in a traditional patriarchal marriage or in a man’s relationship with a Dominant Women. A patriarchal woman doesn’t expect her husband to love her. Likewise a man who loves a Dominant Women learns that his love for her has to be unconditional, for the relationship to work.

We can see this in Femdom groups with men’s desire to be cuckold. That is to say, the Dominant Woman is free to have sexual relationships with any man she likes but he has to stay faithful to her. In some relationships they go even further where the man is put into a chastity belt, so he cannot have sex unless his partner unlocks him. Some Dominant Women may also ban the man from having penetrative sex, so the only sexual contact he has with her, is giving her cunnilingus. Yet, these men are more than happy to accept these conditions and even encourage their partners to be more extreme in their behaviour.

So from this point of view it might seem that a FemDom relationship is very much like a traditional patriarchal relationship but with the Woman playing the dominant role and not the man. But there is one vital difference. It is far easier for a Dominant Woman to love her submissive male partner, than it is for a patriarchal man to love his submissive wife. We can see this in the different attitudes of physical and verbal abuse.

Some men strongly desire Dominant Women to punish them by being whipped or caned or verbally abuse them. After all, this is what men have been doing to Women for thousand of years, in strict patriarchal marriages. But not all Dominant Women want to do this. The reason is that Women understand love better than what men do. So if a Woman has to make a man obedient through physical punishment, then it puts doubt in the Woman’s mind if he truly loves her. The reason is because if he deeply loved her, then he would obey her without question, and his biggest punishment will simply be the knowledge, that he hasn’t pleased her.

This then shows the big difference between patriarchy and Matriarchy. In a patriarchal society men are not taught to love, as he is told that love is a ‘weakness’. While in a Matriarchal society most Women will find it hard to suppress their maternal or nurturing instincts. For this reason it is difficult for a Woman to learn to love herself, by suppressing her love for others. (Though admittedly some Women do try to do this). So for most Women, she has to learn how to be both loving and dominant at the same time. In other words, a Dominant Women has to learn how to love herself and love others at the same time.

For people brought up in the patriarchal tradition find this hard to believe. Because men are told that a man cannot be a ‘strong’ leader unless he is cruel and ruthless. So it is not surprising to find patriarchal men to be selfish and brutal people. Now it is true that in an unloving society where men are not encouraged to love each other, it inevitable that the most ruthless men are likely to become the rulers. But this doesn’t have to be the case in a Matriarchal society, where everyone will be encouraged and taught to love others.

In other words, a Dominant Women is unlikely to dominate through coercion and physical violence; she will dominate through love, the love of herself. Even if a Woman does spank a man or use physical violence, he has to co-operate and allow her to do this. This is because the average man is bigger and stronger than the average woman. So physical violence will end up being only a symbol of her power, over him, and nothing to do with the way she dominates him. The dominance comes through a Woman’s love for herself.

An example of a woman who is able to love others and love herself at the same time would be the Country and Western singer Dolly Parton. Recently I saw a TV programme about her life and at no time did she say anything bad about anyone or others said anything bad about her. She came across at all times as a very loving and caring person. Yet she was also a strong-minded businesswoman, she was clearly in charge of her own life and career and her husband was hardly mentioned. He allowed himself to stay very much in the background and not interfere in her life. So to me she came across as a woman who is able to love herself and love others at the same time.

As previously mentioned, the more a Woman can learn to love herself the more men can love her. For instance if a Women doesn’t love herself, she is unlikely to accept a man worshipping and serving her. It will become difficult for her to allow him to keep on giving to her without giving in return. And in no way would a Women like this accept a man’s worship of allowing him to kiss her feet or bottom or give her cunnilingus. But by not allowing him to serve and worship her, she is denying him the opportunity to learn to love another person, unconditionally.

Now this can be a controversial subject as patriarchal religions have taught people to be humble or as in Eastern Religions, to overcome the ego. So the ego has become in the minds of many people another sort of Devil. Yet, if you think about it for a moment, you realise that people who are humble and have little love for themselves are far easier to rule and control than people who do love themselves. So this is why patriarchy teaches humility or that the ego is bad. If the people began to love themselves too much, they wouldn’t put up with patriarchal oppression and so the people are far more likely to rise up and demand equal rights. This is very true for Women who have accepted patriarchal oppression for thousands of years through learning extreme humility, by not being allowed to love themselves. While most patriarchal men where only allowed to love themselves to the degree patriarchal women loved them. Only the rich and powerful were allowed to love themselves without restraint.

With the decline of patriarchal religions in the West, the common men have been allowed to love themselves more. But for Women the change has been far more dramatic and as they learnt to love themselves even more, the more attractive they have become to men.

So men need Dominant Women whom they can serve and worship if they are to learn how to love others unconditionally. While Women through men’s desire to worship them as Goddesses, can fulfill their desire to love themselves.

42 comments:

  1. Personally I don't feel any atraction or need for dominant women but I support matriarchy out of the logical observance that women in general are nowhere near as violent or destructive or murderous as men are and I am so very sick of seeing and hearing about when men do and have done! I don't want anyone male or female dominating me because I don't see that it as about dominance nor do I like being told what to do but I do believe that women make a far better job of running things. There is something very badly wrong with many men and boys and I have been aware of it all my life and I am watching it do such terrible damage and bring death to animals, plants, the environment and billions of other people on this planet! We need a change desperately!

    ReplyDelete
  2. William, I work in the phone entertainment business, and men looking for Dominant Women is by far the largest catagory... made this way by men... not Women... we just go where the most calls are! Ofcourse as I am a Matriarchist, I love it!

    Another very interesting thing I learn directly from men themselves, is that they are not looking for a passive blonde young bimbo. Most men who call want a strong and confidant Women, even if she is twice the man's age and twice as large around as he, they find her STRENGTH very erotic.

    You are very correct in saying it is difficult for most Women to warp their heads around being the dominant person. Women, generally, are naturally self-less bc it is their biology to give Life and care for others, so it is natural for Women to put other first. However when Women understand Goddess Spirituality and the beauty of it, taking control should come easier.

    The is a BRILLIANT film, that can be viewed by copy/pasting into yahoo search:

    ***Goddess Remembered, NFB, Donna Read***

    ReplyDelete
  3. Good message here, William. It gets to be a real struggle living in a society that is still so patriarchal, right down to our very names, which - unless you change it to something of your own choosing - are patriarchal from birth. I love my father dearly and don't object so much to being born into a family where his name (rather than my mother's, which also has been patriarchal down through the generations) is the one I was given with no chance or choice to accept or not accept it, but just that this is still the norm. And it still reinforces the patriarchal mindset, enables it to continue. Babies who are born into families with patriarchal traditions have much to overcome in their (our) lives.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Men will take it upon themselves to try and influence the choices that women make in their OWN LIVES. Patriarchy takes all fundamental choices away from women and yes, of children also, all in the name of the patronizing father state paradigm. Why should and radical feminist feel at all endeared in emulating such a malodorous synthetic construct. You will even see by the mostly male pro-Matriarchy elements in which men seek by various means to lever "out" the natural autonomy of women and the right of women to decide over their own lives. Always the endless infernal narratives on how women must without question accept the sanctification of males sensitivities in wrestling any authority out of the hands of what I only see as recalcitrant femdom males. A patriarchal wife would in fact take it as offensive if a male would violate the protective lead bull role seeking to express more open modes of social empathy dropping the shackles of what I see as the exclusive wench preemptive. Whether as a man or as a woman, the patriarchy expresses itself fundamentally in the object chattelization of all modes of interaction under aspects of male guardianship dogma. Male guardianship dogma is multiply-detached from actual modes of aggression, because submission is instituted and assured by various manner of laws, most notably Sharia law. All of this places key males as "alpha", determining the enactment of postures using the media as a forewarning of executive and judiciary instituted penalties soon to follow if policy is not obeyed. Of course the exclusive male delineated meritocracy will take it upon themselves to parade and bullhorn the marvelous rewards of emulating male leadership and "success stratagems". Gratefulness and emotionally blackmailed obedience are guaranteed under this blanket male companionship and heroically enforced regimen of "good buddies" hierarchic mafia.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Antlers locked in perpetual competition over resources they themselves deplete, fights over docile birthing machine omega females mutually cloaked together with their own cuckoldry exhibitions in keeping an elite of chosen few above water, while the rest of us must live out our lives as a devaluated oppressed utilitarian work pool living in increasing urban squalor, increased levels of pollution and a gradually depleted ecology and in a scrapheap of non-functional burned out industrial cadavers (machines). But as you know, father keeps willing his artifice of assuming to know what is best for everyone. Systematically women have been domesticated into this easily experienced dichotomy of the "weaker woman" and gradually submissive bipolar pathological dimorphism of becoming biologically smaller and genetically more vulnerable. It has not always been this way and it can happen very rapidly that in terms of an ecological catastrophe the biological tables can in fact be turned, and no less turned around completely. In it's origins, the human race had as its fundamental as social structure that was not rife with control pathological pandering, such a society when viewed in relation to other known mammals can be quite correctly evaluated as being highly gynacentric. When gradually women decide what they want for themselves, they can in fact easily wrestle out this naive topping from the bottom and finally destroy the oh so patriarchally hallowed Sacher-Masoch Complex also liberating woman from this Klingon cloaking device deceptively flaunting itself as being male submissiveness. You will find that in women centered cultures, the proclivity of having women even endure the sick and depleting notion of exchanges of power (with men), sexualization of strength and female dominance are traded in for the natural context of powerful women competing with each other in tangible sports or industrious enterprise and ACTUALLY being rewarded social privilege, rather than this offensive femdom adult-entertainment culture that seems more reminiscent of brothel culture than of empowering women into world championship. So much for the ethics of saddling women like mules and making them beasts of burden and birthing machines believing the fabricated lore of the nurturing woman. I cannot wait until the next amazonian uprising rips another mental opening into the phallic overwrought psyches of more males like it did in female uprisings in Kenya. The men did not turn things back around in that one. Once a woman has her own choices, she is not going to fall back on the supposed strong shoulder, she will enjoy a life that is not longer by his proxy. The war is not over until the last man is NOT standing tall and full of his immense egoistical vainglory.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Resistance to male culture is very erotic.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Wait until the next woman you meet is sane of mind and not at all a wet blanket. Nurturing is not biologically linked to sex, it happens to be quite individual.

    ReplyDelete
  9. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  11. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  12. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  13. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  14. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  15. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  16. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  17. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  18. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  19. 能猜得出女人真實年齡的男人也許耳聰目明,但肯定毫無大腦。哈哈!..................................................

    ReplyDelete
  20. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  21. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  22. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  23. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  24. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  25. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  26. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Thank you very, very much for this helpful ideas. This is what I've been looking for so long! It makes clear to me what's inside myself and why I feel as I do. I'm a married male and the very next thing I'm gonna do is show these words to my wife!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Oh if only i could find a woman who wanted me as her submissive husband . These guys are so lucky.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Is so good giving a woman a cunnilingus.
    I love the pics of the post

    Claudio

    ReplyDelete
  30. and i thought it was cause Mom said so

    ReplyDelete