Sunday, 5 December 2010

Pornography, Love and Romance

Pornography is extremely popular on the internet, and this has revealed just many men like it.  At the same time, most women don’t seem to like it at all, and many are very hostile to it.  So why is there this big difference between the sexes on this subject?

Pornography is about sex and men and women have different attitudes about sex. For men, sex seems to be about depositing semen inside women, but most men do not think much about, what happens afterwards.  But women cannot have this attitude, because if the semen makes her pregnant, then she then has a child growing inside her and when it is born, she has to devote her life into looking after that child.  So for this reason, what sex means to men, is very different to what it means for women.

How little men think about fertilization is shown in porn videos, because most of it doesn’t show man’s semen going inside a woman’s vagina but more inside a woman’s mouth or anus, or even just on her face or breasts.  This is generally the climax of the film. (no pun intended). All this is far too mechanical and limiting for most women, because women are more interested in relationships.

Most women prefer romance rather than pornography; this is because romantic stories are about the relationship between men and women.  There is a very good reason for this.  Once a woman becomes pregnant, then she is going to be better off looking after her child, if she can receive the help and support of the child’s father.  So a romantic story of a man who falls in love with a woman, and loves her so much, that when she has children, he devotes his life to looking after her and her children.  Is what most women want.  This then, is why romantic stories are far more appealing to a woman, than pornography.

So if romantic stories are very appealing to women, why aren’t they also appealing to men as well?  Why is it that so many men will prefer a pornography story, than a romantic story?  The reason could be about how men and women think about love.

For most women, love is not a choice; it is very difficult for a woman not to love.  The reason for this, is that women have a very powerful maternal instinct.  For most species of animal to survive, it is important that the female want to have young and nurture them, until they reach breeding age.  This instinct is even more important for human beings because the human baby is the most helpless newborn in the animal kingdom.  As well as taking nearly 20 years to become an adult.  So, for the human species to survive, it means that the human female has to have a very powerful maternal instinct in caring for and protecting her children.  This means, women have very little choice in wanting to love.  This maternal instinct is so strong that women not only love children, they also love men and animals as well.  The caring professions, like nursing, old people carers and social workers are also dominated by women.

On the other hand, men do have a choice about whether he wishes to love others.  In evolutionary terms, men can fertilize many different women and therefore father lots of children and not be involved in caring for any of them, if he doesn’t wish, to do so.  This is one of the reasons why human societies have marriage, laws and customs.  Is to try and force men to stay and help to look after the children they have fathered.  This attitude of mind is reflected in pornography.

One of the reasons why many women do not like pornography is that it is devoid of love.  Women like romantic stories about love, but men are not so sure about this.  The reason for this, is that, if you fall in love, then you are ‘hooked’.  In other words if you deeply love another person, then you many find yourself devoting your life to caring about other people.  For this reason, many men are wary about getting married, and forming relationships as they want freedom from this.  This is also why men like pornography, because it is mostly about sex without love.  Men do like to have fantasies about having sex with women, without having all the problems of loving relationships or having to care for children.  Women on the other hand have no choice in this, it is far harder for women to divorce sex from love and the nurturing children.

Another thing that many women don’t like about pornography is that some of it goes further than just being unloving.  Some of it, is about men degrading and hurting women.  So why is this?  The reason probably is, is that if men do fear loving a woman, then the defence against this, is hatred.  By hating women, allows men to have sex with them, without getting emotionally involved in them.

It can be even get more problematic that this.  Men do want and need women to love them, but when this happens, it is hard not to love women in return.  So hate becomes the antidote to love, as men find themselves in a position of hating the women who loves them.  This is shown in extreme porn videos, where women are shown being loving towards men and only receiving abuse in return.  These men do not even like to acknowledge these women are being loving, and accuse these abused women of being, kinky, perverted or masochistic.  Psychologists claim that women who love abusive men are masochistic because they lack self-esteem.  They do not comment on the powerful maternal instinct of women, that allows them to love these types of men.  So it is not about her being kinky, perverted or masochistic or any of the other labels people place on these women, but just about the expression of her powerful maternal instincts. 

The same cannot be said about men who abuse loving women.  It is true they are simply resisting feelings of love, they have for others.  Therefore, it is perfectly reasonable for a man, not to want to love, so he is free to do what he likes.  But it is not so understandable if he abuses women who love him.  Or fathers children and runs away, the moment his girlfriend is pregnant or gives birth.

Another problem women have with pornography is that the type of sex that is written about or shown, is unlikely to give a woman pleasure.  Certainly a woman is not going to receive an orgasm through having a penis in her mouth or anus, but this can also be true, if a woman has a penis in her vagina.  A very large number of women cannot orgasm through vagina stimulated.  The reason for this, is that orgasm can only happen, if the clitoris is stimulated.  If a woman has her clitoris close to the opening of her vagina, then the penis might rub against it while the penis is pumping inside her and so she may be able to have an orgasm. But if there is no contact between the penis and clitoris through penetrative sex, then it is very difficult for this to happen.  This is still true, even if the man has a gigantic penis.

The problem is, that if a woman tries to explain this to some men, he can see it as a criticism of his sexual performance.  As a result, she can be accused of being frigid, and encouraged to see a doctor or a psychologist.  Because of this, many women end up faking an orgasm, to spare herself this aggravation.  This faking also happens in pornographic stories and videos.  For this reason, seeing a porn actress faking an orgasm from penetrative sex, is not going to excite a woman, who knows she cannot orgasm like this. 

It seems most women can only orgasm through direct clitoris stimulation, which means that the man has to either use his finger or tongue.  Pornography is full of stories and videos of women giving men oral sex but there is not a lot about men giving oral sex to women.  And even when that is shown, very few of it shows a man licking a woman’s clitoris until she orgasms.  So for this reason, as far as women are concerned, pornography is only about men’s pleasure and not about what women enjoy.

So the differences between the sexes, in their attitude to pornography and romance are all to do about their different feelings about love.   Women are looking for love and relationships in their sex lives, whereas many men prefer to separate sex from love.  In this, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of compromise.  Many men have learnt to have loving relationships with women when they live with them and have a family.  But it is very difficult for women to have sexual relationships without love.  It is true women working in the sex industry are expected to do this, but they don’t find it easy.  The stereotype of the prostitute with the heart of gold is true, because women find it too difficult to suppress their maternal instincts completely.

So the pornographic industry will continue while many men fantasize about sex without love, and women are willing to serve the needs of these men.

Thursday, 2 December 2010

Methods Women can use to control men.

On many message boards on the Internet we find messages from dominant women complaining that submissive men are a waste of time.   One of the biggest complaints is that submissive men tend to, “top from the bottom”.  Usually they are use to going to a Dominatrix with a list of demands and the Dominatrix does whatever the man wants, because after all, he is the client and is paying for her time.  Unfortunately these submissive men tend to do the same when they meet genuine Dominant Women and also demand that they act out their fantasies and then cannot understand it if the Women refuse to do this.  So what can a woman do in a situation like this?  The answer comes from modern Dog training, modern military training and modern child rearing.

As all dog trainers tell you, you cannot train a dog properly unless you take the alpha position in your relationship with your dog.  So if the man starts to make demands on how he wishes to be dominated, then the Dominant Woman can ask the obvious question, “who is the boss?”  She then has to further explain what should be obvious, that in a relationship between a Dominant Woman and a submissive man, it is the Woman who tells the man what to do, and not the other way around.   If the man then says, “I’m only explaining what I want”, then the woman has to patiently explain that in a relationship between a Dominant Woman and submissive man, it is all about what the Woman wants, not what the man wants.  After all, if the man is demanding she act out his fantasies, he is not consider the fact that she might have her own fantasies, that she might want him to act out, for her.

It seems some men can accept this, but not all men.  Many men can get very frightened when the Woman takes the relationship out of the realm of sexual fantasy and into reality.  So why is this?  I think for many men, the problem is that they are frightened by their own Femdom fantasies.   They have fantasies of cruel and sadistic women who beat, torture and humiliate them, which may all right in a fantasy world, but not in the real world.   So these fantasies might be acceptable when acted out with a Dominatrix, where they have an agreed “safe word”, so if it gets too much, he can say the magic word and the Dominatrix stops what she is doing to him.  This means these fantasies are perfectly all right while the man is in control of the situation and can put a stop to it whenever he likes.   But if he meets a Dominant Woman who says, “I’m the boss, and you do as I say,” then he has lost control of the relationship.  So he starts to imagine what would happen if she was the tie him up and whip him without a safe word.  This is why some men run away when a Dominant Woman asserts her authority and tells him that she is the boss.  But he is not actually frightened of the Woman but his own fantasies about what she might do to him.

So the Dominant Women then has to explain to the man two things; that she is the boss, and that she is a caring and loving person.   Now, this will be difficult for many men to understand, because they associate Dominance with cruelty and sadism, because they cannot imagine how a Dominant person can also be a loving and caring person. 

This is very old fashion thinking.  In the past, dog trainers did use to train dogs by beating them with a stick.  In fact, some dog trainers of the past recommend that the trainer tie the dog up and beat it, when they first meet, to establish who is the boss and make the dog frightened of the trainer. This means that Femdom fantasies come directly from this type of thinking, of assuming that the alpha person in the relationship, has to establish their dominance through brutality.  This is why many submissive men pay a dominatrix to spank, whip or torture him, as he assumes that dominance can only be established through force and violence.
In the 19th century, children were once routinely beaten by their parents and school teachers.  A favourite saying of the time was, “spare the rod and spoilt the child”. (See "For Your Own Good: The roots of violence in child-rearing", by Alice Miller).  Nowadays, school teachers and most parents no longer beat their children, and this is also true of dog training and military training.  A modern dog trainer doesn’t beat their dogs to make them obedient and neither does  the military.  In the past soldiers were whipped to make them obedient but no modern army does this today, as more effective methods have been found to make soldiers obedient.  So if a Dominant Woman doesn’t beat her submissive, how does she make him obey her?   Modern dog trainers and the modern military use methods like, persistence, repetition and positive reinforcement.   These are the methods that have shown to be the most effective in controlling men’s behaviour.

When a soldier first joins the army, he is subjected to “parade ground discipline”, where along with a number of other troops, he is indoctrinated into obey orders.   To do this, he is put into a position where he is not allowed to move a muscle unless ordered to do so by the Sergeant Major.   So he is given orders like, “attention”, “left turn”, right turn, “quick march”, even when he is marching the Sergeant Major  is shouting at him, “left, right, left right” so he is even ordered how to march.  The orders the Sergeant Major give are totally pointless, as he will order the soldiers to march up and down the parade ground, for no apparent reason.  So why do the military do this to soldiers?  The reason is to brainwash soldiers so completely into obeying orders, so that in battle, soldiers will obey orders without question.  So even if ordered to charge a machine gun post, these men will obey the order without question.  The same is also true of dog training.  It is not enough to get a dog to obey the dog-trainer once, the dog-trainer will repeat the same command over and over again until the dog is so indoctrinated into obeying this order, it will do so automatically.

So a Dominant Woman can learn from this in her relationship with submissive men.  At the beginning of this relationship it pays the women to be extremely bossy.  She doesn’t have to shout at the man like a Sergeant Major, but it is a good idea to give him a lot of orders and expect him to give her instance obedience.   It is also a good idea to give him meaningless orders like ordering him to walk to the top of the stairs and then walk down again, so he gets the idea of obeying without question.   Now, some people will ask the question that, “if the man is obeying her, why does she need to keep on giving him orders?”  The reason is that at first he is obeying her because he wants to do so, but later on in the relationship he may decide not to obey her and she will find there is nothing she can do about it.  But he won’t find this so easy, if she makes a point of giving him a large number of orders at the beginning of the relationship, so she will have indoctrinated him into obeying her automatically.  Then at a later stage of the relationship if he has any thoughts of defying her, he will find it hard to disobey her, because he has been brainwashed into obedience.

All humans are creatures of habit.  Once habitual behaviour has been established within us, we find it difficult to break this habit.  As pointed out before, the military gets soldiers into the habit of obeying orders so that if ordered to risk their lives and face enemy fire, they will do so without question.  So if a Dominant Woman can get man into the habit of obeying her, this habit of behaviour can become so strong, that she will take on the mystique of, “she who must be obeyed”.

Dog training has more to teach Dominant Women into controlling men that just getting him to obey orders.  What both dog trainers and child psychologists have discovered is that people can unwittingly train both children and dogs into anti-social behaviour without realising they are doing this.  The same is true of Dominant Women who can unwittingly train a man to do the opposite to what she wants him to do. 

What child psychologists have noticed is that with many parents, is if child is naughty, it gets a lot of attention, but if the child is good, then he or she gets ignored.  The same is also true of dog owners who will ignore a dog that is behaving itself, but only give it attention if it doing something the dog owner doesn’t want it to do.  To be fair, this is for most people normal behaviour, we tend to take notice of things that we don’t like and take for granted behaviour we do like.  But by doing this, we can unintentionally train the people and animals we live with; to behave in way we don’t want them to behave.  The reason being, is they are being rewards for bad behaviour by getting attention and being punished for good behaviour, by being ignored.

Both people and dogs are social animals, and children like their parents to socialize with them.  So if children find that their parents only take notice of them when they misbehave, then they are encouraged to do this to get their parents attention.  The same is also true of dogs, if their owners tend to only give them attention when they misbehave  and it can also true of the relationship between a Dominant Woman and submissive male.  If the man is being ignored when he is behaving as he should, but gets the Woman’s attention when he misbehaves, then he is encouraged to do things she doesn’t want him to do, so she will take notice of him.  An extreme case of this happening, is when a Dominant Woman punishes the man by spanking him.   This only works if the man doesn’t like being spanked, but if he finds spanking sexually exciting, then he will be encouraged to do something to annoy the Woman frequently, so he will be spanked.  This might not be a problem if the woman enjoys spanking the man, but a big problem is she is only doing it to get him to do as he is told.  As her efforts to make him behave properly is having the opposite effect.

Dog trainers and child psychologists speak about positive reinforcement as means of controlling dogs and children.  This method is the total opposite of the old fashion method of negative enforcements which means punishing an animal or person for doing something wrong.  Positive reinforcement is about rewarding and encouraging people and animals to be well behaved.
So what is required is for parents to take notice when their children are behaving in ways they approve off and give them praise and encouragement, but to completely ignore them when they misbehave.  Modern dog trainers also use the same method in training dogs.  Now, many people find this difficult to do, as they completely take for granted good behaviour in children and animals so they don’t notice it, but get upset over bad behaviour and focus their minds on this.  So to reward and encourage good behaviour and ignore bad behaviour, means many people have to think in a completely different way.

This method works extremely well with dogs.  Modern dog training is all about patience and keen observation.  For instance if a dog trainer wants to train a dog to sit on command, she will trick it into sitting by holding a small piece of food in front of it and manoeuvre it until she gets the dog to sit.  She will then give the command “sit” and praise the dog and give it the food, which dog trainers call a treat. The dog trainer has to be very clear in her behaviour that the dog will only get praise and the treat if it sits down.   Then she will then repeat this again and again until the dog associates the command “sit” with sitting down.   After this has been established, she will wean it off the treat, by only giving it the treat sometimes when she give the command to sit, until it will regularly sit on command without needing to reward it with food. 

Now, some people will point out that children and men are not dogs and what works for dogs may not work for people.   Certainly humans are far more complicated than what dogs are, but as Behaviourist Psychologists have shown, animal training methods work just as well on humans as they do on animals.,   The USA military would agree with this, as they have used Behaviourist psychology on their soldiers with great success, and all the Behaviourist methods come from behaviour experiments on animals.  The military reward their soldiers with medals and praise, like telling them, “you are the best soldiers in the world” and marching them in public parades, for people to cheer them.   Certainly you cannot train a human being like a dog, by rewarding it with scraps of food, like dogs, but humans do respond to praise and approval, and these are the methods that modern child psychologists recommend for controlling children.  So a Dominant Woman can increase her dominance over a man through positive reinforcement.  She can do this by praising a man for how obedient he is when he does obey her and praise him when he successfully does tasks for her. 

Modern child psychologists point out that what parents and teachers tell children can have both a positive or negative effect on them.   For instance, if a parent or teacher tells a child repetitively he is stupid, his confidence in himself will be undermined so they he  can quickly lose interest in school work.  It is true for some people this can have the opposite effect and the child can get angry and being told he is stupid and this can motivate him to prove the parent or teacher is wrong, but most children are not like this.  Scientific studies on human behaviour show us that praise and approval are the best tools for motivating people.   So a parent or teacher that only tells children what they are doing wrong all the time, will quickly undermine their confidence in themselves.

This is equally true of a Dominant Woman’s behaviour to a submissive man.  If at any time he doesn’t do as he is told or fails to serve her in the way she wants and she makes a big issue of this.  She can unwittingly train him to be exactly the sort of person she doesn’t want him to be.   If say a woman has a man who is obedient 99% of the time but sometimes doesn’t do as he is told, either because he misunderstood her, or was tired at the time, and if she makes a big fuss about the 1% of the time he is not obedient and tells him how disobedient he is, she can start to brainwash him into disobedience.  We can understand how this works by looking at the advertising industry.

Most people like to think they are immune to advertising, as they cannot believe how the silly adverts they see, can possibly influence them, but they would be wrong.  Big international companies do not spend billions of dollars on adverts for no reason whatsoever.  They use adverts because they know they work.  The secret of adverts is repetition.  If we are repetitively told the same thing over and over again, we can be brainwashed into believing in it, without being aware of its subconscious effect on us.  Advertising.

So a Dominant Woman has to be very aware of what she habitually tells her submissive partner.  If she starts complaining and tells him he is disobedient, then she will unsuspectingly brainwash him into being disobedient.  If the woman wants him to be obedient all the time, then it helps a lot to tell the man everyday how obedient he is, when he does obey her, until he gets to believe it.  The same is true for the way she wants him to serve her and do jobs for her.  It is all right to correct him and show him how to serve her properly, but too much criticism will undermine him and brainwash him into believing that he is useless at serving her.  Praise works far better than criticism, in getting a man to do a good job in serving a woman.  So it is far more helpful to tell him when he is doing things right rather than when he is doing things wrong.

Now, some Dominant Women will object to this.  They will point out that women have been doing this for centuries, of pandering to men’s egos to get their own way, while at the same time men have been criticising women to undermine their confidence.  The reason men do this, is that if you undermine a person’s confidence, they are less likely to challenge your status as the alpha person in the relationship.  So some women will want revenge and want to do the same to men.   Some women want to take it even further, because men have been dominating women for thousands of years through violence and so some women want to do the same to men.  The problem is that the average woman is smaller and physically weaker than the average man, so a woman can only get away with hitting a man if he doesn't hit her back. Which means a woman can only use violence against a man, if he is a masochist.

 That is a personal choice, and if women want to get their own back by undermining men’s confidence and then use violence against him, then that is up to them.   Men cannot complain about this, because this is what men have been doing to women for thousands of years.  
But the point is, that history has shown that men do a terrible job in ruling our world, as male rulers create wars, genocide and poverty.  So if women are to take over and rule instead, then women need to know the most effective methods of controlling men.  The best methods come from modern dog-training, child care and the military, which use repetition and positive reinforcement, and women need to learn about this methods, to keep men under their control.

See more articles I have written about this subject at. -

The power of the Subconscious Mind by Joseph Murphy

Hub pages by William Bond

Videos by William Bond

Monday, 15 November 2010

Learning Love Through Fetishism

Many men today are developing many unusual fetishes, like foot and panty fetishes.  It is usual for many people to put these fetishes down to perversion and not try and understand what is really going on.  So I have decided to look past any snap judgements about this and attempt look at what motivates people who like fetishes.

It may sound incredible to a person who thinks that a person with a fetish is "sick", but a man who has a panty fetish is man starting to learn about love.  Women it seems know everything there is to know about love, because when women have children a bond is created where most women will give their child unconditional love.  In men this bond to their children is not so strong, so some men who will quickly move out of a woman's life if she has a child.  Or refuse to pay maintenance to his child if he separates or is divorced from his child's mother.  

Any woman who has a child is biologically programmed to learn about love.  But for a man this biological tie to children is not so strong.  So how can a man learn about love in the same depth as a woman?  Surprisingly he can learn through so called sex-perversion.

A panty lover likes to be able to smell the used panties and drape it over his head so to him it is an oral experience.  This means that such a man wouldn't be adverse to going down on a woman and giving oral sex.  It can also indicate that the man might also want to kiss or lick the anus of a woman, as some men like to also lick the crutch piece of the panties.

So it means that a man who likes to go down on a woman is giving enjoyment to a woman without any thought to his own needs. So it is a sign that by putting the needs of another person before his own, and the beginning of learning about unconditional love.  Though it has to be said that this may be only a sign of where he is going and it many not be an indication that he has got there yet.  A man may be willing to go down on a woman but only regard it as foreplay.  Or may even go as far as bringing the women to organism but demand his turn afterwards.  So although such a man has moved on from the very selfish man who is only concerned with his own pleasure and cares little about what the women might want. He is still a long way to go in learning unconditional love in giving without wanting any reward or even praise for it.  He is still got in the same league as a woman gives to her children all her life or a Woman who can still love an abusive husband.

Likewise a man who wants to kiss the anus of a woman, although might get turned-on with this form of worship, may only feel that way while in the act of worship. For the rest of the time he may act like a normal selfish patriarchal man.  Though it is still and indication that he wants to learn how to give to and love others unconditionally.  A similar tale can be told of a man who has a foot fetish.  To kiss a woman's feet is an act of worship.  But it can be to him be only a fantasy he enjoys, and not necessary how he really feels about women.  Though for some men the feelings worshiping a woman can be so overwhelming that he finds he wants to be her devoted slave.

All these fetishes can be sign-posts and not the real thing, it shows what direction a man is moving but it doesn't mean that he has got there yet.  Women have learnt about unconditional love over the thousands of years, by caring for ungrateful husbands and children.  Men on the other hand have only just started.  Yet there is some men who are able to surrender his whole life to a woman and her children..  In the same way millions of women have done in the past and still do today.  Unconditional love, does not come naturally to a man, it is something he has to learn to do through practice.  A fetish is about emotion, and this emotion can give a man the motivation to start to learn about giving unconditional love.  For any man with a strong and powerful ego it is difficult to start to surrender his own needs in favour of another or others.  So another very strong emotional like a fetish desire, is sometimes needed to overcome the voice of his ego. It is only when the man begins to experience the pleasure and reward of giving to others, so he identify himself in others and not himself, then the need of having a fetish becomes less.

A man with a fetish is no different from a monk, who is attempting to go beyond his own selfish needs and serve others to find 'the kingdom of god' or 'enlightenment'.  It is only the motivation that is different, one is religious and the other is sexual. 

There is a path that combines both ways and that is through Tantra and Taoism.  Most religions try to overcome sexual desire, which means they are attempting to learn about unconditional love without serving a woman.  This method only allows homosexual and celibate men to follow this path, as they learn to serve the needs of other men.  Only Tantra and Taoism uses both sexual and spiritual motivation to reach enlightenment.  Which means a man can be spiritual and acknowledge his sexual desires at the same time.  Tantra and Taoism teaches men to withhold his organism that allows a woman to enjoy sex as long as possible without any fear of her enjoyment being cut short by the man ejecting.  Many Tantra and Tao "masters" have boasted of not having an organism for years in spite of having an active sex-life.  So a man doing this is surrendering his sexual enjoyment in favour of the woman.  It is also notable that in Tantra and Tao sexual positions are mostly shown with the woman on top allowing her to take control of the act.

There are many other fetishes with men that tell a similar story.  A man who gets turned on by being dressed up as a baby and having a woman treat him as one.   In one way he is still having the desire of having a woman look after him and giving him everything he needs.  Yet at the same time in playing the role of a baby he is allowing the woman to have power over him.  It is of interest that the "disciplining" of the baby is an important aspect of this fantasy.  So the man is learning about how to give over control of his life to a woman, whom he gives the power to teach him how to behave in the manner she wants him to behave.  Which means in relationships with other women, he can get used to fitting in with what the women wants and not her fitting in with what he wants all the time.  So this gift of power also becomes a gift of unconditional love.

This form of fetish can grow to a more extreme forms where a man will pay a Dominatrix to tie him up then whip and torture him.  This man is then giving for a while total power to a woman. There are many people who like to, "go-over-the-top" in everything they do.  So this could explain this behaviour, but there could be another reason for this. This may be happening because the man is not practising the lessons in love that the fetish is teaching him.  If the man is not giving any women the gift of power over him in his normal daily life, then the fetish becomes stronger to make him do this.  Unfortunately if he still refuses, then the fetish becomes so strong that he finds he has a need to be tied up and tortured by a woman in an extreme manner.  Not realising that by keeping his fantasies separate from his normal life, he is making the power of the fetish stronger and stronger.

The lack of understanding our emotions has caused great suffering in the world. Religions and social customs have encouraged people to take control of their emotions and suppress any that are socially unacceptable.  Unfortunately these emotions are never denied, and come back to us in stronger and more extreme form when suppressed, until they take over the person completely and they may do harm to others or themselves.  These forms of extreme desires have given emotions a bad name, giving people more reasons to suppress them.  What we need to realise is that emotions are our friends, without emotion we would not have a need to get out of bed in the morning.  All we would just be is just a sophisticated robot with no motivation to do anything. 

So to write off a fetish as just a perversion or a person with a sick mind, doesn't help him or society as a whole.  It is only by making them conscious, understanding why we have these types of desires that we can channel them into acceptable forms that do not harm ourselves or others.  Unfortunately psychologist or psychiatrists do not talk much about love, and because of this are not very good guides to people with fetishes. 

Sunday, 31 January 2010

Why Men Love Dominant Women.

Logically it makes no sense of any man to want to live with a Dominant Woman. After all, nowadays, men can answer adverts for women in Thailand or Philippines or Russia, where we are told women are very submissive and will so anything the man wants. As it is claimed they are old fashion women who will cook and clean the house for him and he can have sex with them whenever and however he likes. So why would any man want to live with a Feminist wife who will demand equal shares in everything, or a Dominant Women who expect the man to do as he is told at all times? But logic doesn’t seem to have a lot to do with human behaviour; as it is emotions that motivate us all.

This to me was highlighted many years ago when I was part of a conversation with a woman who was complaining about her neighbor, “her over the road”. The complaining woman prided herself on being a good mother to her teenage children, and devoted her life of caring and looking after them. But in spite of everything she done for her children, none of them showed any gratitude and took everything she was doing for them, for granted. The situation was very different for, “her over the road”. She also had teenage children but the complaining women saw her as a bad mother, as she did very little for her children. For instance; in the mornings when her children had to get ready to go to school she stayed in bed and the children had to get ready themselves. Not only that, the children had to not only get their own breakfast, they had to make a breakfast for their mother and give it to her in bed! Yet, the teenage children of, “her over the road”, thought their mother was wonderful, and were happy to do anything their mother wanted. This greatly infuriated the complaining woman who wanted to know, what was she doing wrong?

After all, logic should tell you that if you give to others and love them unconditionally they should appreciate what you do for them and give love and appreciation in return. It is true some people can appreciate being loved unconditionally but not all people are like that. For instance, there is very little appreciation for unconditional love in patriarchal marriages. Many patriarchal women have given their husbands unconditional love for years; yet have only receive physical and verbal abuse in return.

The problem for any man living with a traditional patriarchal wife is that he is not encouraged to love others. Yes, a submissive patriarchal wife will love her husband unconditionally but he is not expected to give love back to her. Things are a bit better if a man lives with a Feminist wife, as he is expected to love his wife and children but it is all in the spirit of equal sharing of, “I will give it to you, if you will give it to me”. So love becomes a bargain, and a man is still not expected to give unconditional love.

Unconditional love is generally easy for women because they have a maternal or nurturing instinct. When most, (not all), women give birth they fall deeply in love with child they have given birth to. But for men, love is not so easy as he doesn’t have such a powerful nurturing instinct. If a man is brought up in a traditional patriarchal society, he is not expected to love anyone or anything. While in very strict patriarchal countries he is actively discouraged from learning to love, as love is seen as a ‘weakness’. After all, how can a man be expected to discipline his wife and children by beating them, if he loves them? Because of this, many men associate dominance with ruthlessness and cruelty.

So in a traditional patriarchal society a man is condemned to live a life where he is only allowed to love himself, and not all men are happy with this situation. When a man only loves himself, he becomes, in the words of the poet John Donne; in his poem, “No Man Is An Island”, “an island, entire, of it self”. In other words, the man becomes isolated to the degree he finds it hard to connect to other people. In this isolated world the man becomes fearful of others. This dilemma is explained by the French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre, through his famous saying, “the other is hell”, this is true when a man cannot connect with others and sees them as his enemy.

Life for the patriarchal woman is not much better. It is easy for her to give unconditional love to her husband because she uses her maternal instincts and thinks of her husband as a child. (This can infuriate some more aware patriarchal men, who realize that their wives are turning them into children). So a patriarchal wife becomes a full time mother and relates to all people in the spirit of motherly concern. Through this she learns to love all people in a motherly way but is not allowed to love herself. This is because by not loving herself she can put all the needs of others before her own and therefore not worry about the way she is oppressed and ill-treated in the patriarchal world. A woman who begins to love herself in a traditional patriarchal society, would find life very stressful.

In the last couple of centuries many men have wanted to break out of their patriarchal isolation and have looked to salvation from Dominant Women. Like Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, who in 1870 published his famous book “Venus In Furs”. This book started the Femdom genre as all other Femdom stories have followed a similar theme. Sacher-Masoch wasn’t just a fantasist; he lived out many of the themes within “Venus In Furs” with his mistress Baroness Fanny Pistor. He was also wrote articles on the emancipation of women and advocate female education and suffrage. His other writings showed him to be a caring man as he wrote about the problems of impoverished and oppressed peoples.

The problem with the Femdom genre, is that it is all about dominance and submission and because most of these stories are written by men, love is hardly mentioned. Yet, love is the key to understand Femdom, and men’s attraction to Dominant Women. Dominance and submission are thought to be a kinky perversion or even a mental illness. For instance, male psychologists used to think of patriarchal women’s desires to love her husband unconditionally, in spite of the fact he was physically and verbally abusing her, as masochism. They never thought of it as the extension of her maternal and nurturing instincts, where they loved their husbands the same way they love children.

So why do men have to look to Dominant Women for salvation? This is because only Dominant Women can teach men to love deeply.

Feminist Women can also teach men to love, but the difficulty with Feminism is that it teaches equality between men and women. So it is about men and women loving each other equally. This is not a problem for Women, but for men love then becomes a bargain. “I will love you, if you will love me”. So by making love a bargain it is devalued and not very satisfactory for both partners. But when a man loves a Dominant Women then, he is connected to a very powerful love that can take over his whole life.

What men find is that it is not easy for them to love traditional patriarchal women, they can love Feminist Women more, but with Dominant Women they find they can love them so deeply, that they want to worship and serve them and become their slaves. The reason for this; is that Dominant Women have learnt how to love themselves. The more a Woman can learn to love herself, the more deeply a man can love her. This is why men have problems in loving patriarchal women, the patriarchal women is so busy sacrificing herself and giving to others unconditional love, she doesn’t allow any room for others to love her.

As previously mentioned, although a Feminist Woman can teach a man to love, it is conveyed to him that love is a bargain. The result is that in Feminist marriages there are arguments about who is giving more to whom. So a Feminist wife may complain that she is still doing more to look after the kids and the house than her husband, who in turns thinks he is already doing a lot to help her. Which means that when love becomes a bargain, then that gets in the way of people loving each other, deeply.

There is no problem with this, in a traditional patriarchal marriage or in a man’s relationship with a Dominant Women. A patriarchal woman doesn’t expect her husband to love her. Likewise a man who loves a Dominant Women learns that his love for her has to be unconditional, for the relationship to work.

We can see this in Femdom groups with men’s desire to be cuckold. That is to say, the Dominant Woman is free to have sexual relationships with any man she likes but he has to stay faithful to her. In some relationships they go even further where the man is put into a chastity belt, so he cannot have sex unless his partner unlocks him. Some Dominant Women may also ban the man from having penetrative sex, so the only sexual contact he has with her, is giving her cunnilingus. Yet, these men are more than happy to accept these conditions and even encourage their partners to be more extreme in their behaviour.

So from this point of view it might seem that a FemDom relationship is very much like a traditional patriarchal relationship but with the Woman playing the dominant role and not the man. But there is one vital difference. It is far easier for a Dominant Woman to love her submissive male partner, than it is for a patriarchal man to love his submissive wife. We can see this in the different attitudes of physical and verbal abuse.

Some men strongly desire Dominant Women to punish them by being whipped or caned or verbally abuse them. After all, this is what men have been doing to Women for thousand of years, in strict patriarchal marriages. But not all Dominant Women want to do this. The reason is that Women understand love better than what men do. So if a Woman has to make a man obedient through physical punishment, then it puts doubt in the Woman’s mind if he truly loves her. The reason is because if he deeply loved her, then he would obey her without question, and his biggest punishment will simply be the knowledge, that he hasn’t pleased her.

This then shows the big difference between patriarchy and Matriarchy. In a patriarchal society men are not taught to love, as he is told that love is a ‘weakness’. While in a Matriarchal society most Women will find it hard to suppress their maternal or nurturing instincts. For this reason it is difficult for a Woman to learn to love herself, by suppressing her love for others. (Though admittedly some Women do try to do this). So for most Women, she has to learn how to be both loving and dominant at the same time. In other words, a Dominant Women has to learn how to love herself and love others at the same time.

For people brought up in the patriarchal tradition find this hard to believe. Because men are told that a man cannot be a ‘strong’ leader unless he is cruel and ruthless. So it is not surprising to find patriarchal men to be selfish and brutal people. Now it is true that in an unloving society where men are not encouraged to love each other, it inevitable that the most ruthless men are likely to become the rulers. But this doesn’t have to be the case in a Matriarchal society, where everyone will be encouraged and taught to love others.

In other words, a Dominant Women is unlikely to dominate through coercion and physical violence; she will dominate through love, the love of herself. Even if a Woman does spank a man or use physical violence, he has to co-operate and allow her to do this. This is because the average man is bigger and stronger than the average woman. So physical violence will end up being only a symbol of her power, over him, and nothing to do with the way she dominates him. The dominance comes through a Woman’s love for herself.

An example of a woman who is able to love others and love herself at the same time would be the Country and Western singer Dolly Parton. Recently I saw a TV programme about her life and at no time did she say anything bad about anyone or others said anything bad about her. She came across at all times as a very loving and caring person. Yet she was also a strong-minded businesswoman, she was clearly in charge of her own life and career and her husband was hardly mentioned. He allowed himself to stay very much in the background and not interfere in her life. So to me she came across as a woman who is able to love herself and love others at the same time.

As previously mentioned, the more a Woman can learn to love herself the more men can love her. For instance if a Women doesn’t love herself, she is unlikely to accept a man worshipping and serving her. It will become difficult for her to allow him to keep on giving to her without giving in return. And in no way would a Women like this accept a man’s worship of allowing him to kiss her feet or bottom or give her cunnilingus. But by not allowing him to serve and worship her, she is denying him the opportunity to learn to love another person, unconditionally.

Now this can be a controversial subject as patriarchal religions have taught people to be humble or as in Eastern Religions, to overcome the ego. So the ego has become in the minds of many people another sort of Devil. Yet, if you think about it for a moment, you realise that people who are humble and have little love for themselves are far easier to rule and control than people who do love themselves. So this is why patriarchy teaches humility or that the ego is bad. If the people began to love themselves too much, they wouldn’t put up with patriarchal oppression and so the people are far more likely to rise up and demand equal rights. This is very true for Women who have accepted patriarchal oppression for thousands of years through learning extreme humility, by not being allowed to love themselves. While most patriarchal men where only allowed to love themselves to the degree patriarchal women loved them. Only the rich and powerful were allowed to love themselves without restraint.

With the decline of patriarchal religions in the West, the common men have been allowed to love themselves more. But for Women the change has been far more dramatic and as they learnt to love themselves even more, the more attractive they have become to men.

So men need Dominant Women whom they can serve and worship if they are to learn how to love others unconditionally. While Women through men’s desire to worship them as Goddesses, can fulfill their desire to love themselves.