Sunday, 5 December 2010
Pornography, Love and Romance
Pornography is extremely popular on the internet, and this has revealed just many men like it. At the same time, most women don’t seem to like it at all, and many are very hostile to it. So why is there this big difference between the sexes on this subject?
Pornography is about sex and men and women have different attitudes about sex. For men, sex seems to be about depositing semen inside women, but most men do not think much about, what happens afterwards. But women cannot have this attitude, because if the semen makes her pregnant, then she then has a child growing inside her and when it is born, she has to devote her life into looking after that child. So for this reason, what sex means to men, is very different to what it means for women.
How little men think about fertilization is shown in porn videos, because most of it doesn’t show man’s semen going inside a woman’s vagina but more inside a woman’s mouth or anus, or even just on her face or breasts. This is generally the climax of the film. (no pun intended). All this is far too mechanical and limiting for most women, because women are more interested in relationships.
Most women prefer romance rather than pornography; this is because romantic stories are about the relationship between men and women. There is a very good reason for this. Once a woman becomes pregnant, then she is going to be better off looking after her child, if she can receive the help and support of the child’s father. So a romantic story of a man who falls in love with a woman, and loves her so much, that when she has children, he devotes his life to looking after her and her children. Is what most women want. This then, is why romantic stories are far more appealing to a woman, than pornography.
So if romantic stories are very appealing to women, why aren’t they also appealing to men as well? Why is it that so many men will prefer a pornography story, than a romantic story? The reason could be about how men and women think about love.
For most women, love is not a choice; it is very difficult for a woman not to love. The reason for this, is that women have a very powerful maternal instinct. For most species of animal to survive, it is important that the female want to have young and nurture them, until they reach breeding age. This instinct is even more important for human beings because the human baby is the most helpless newborn in the animal kingdom. As well as taking nearly 20 years to become an adult. So, for the human species to survive, it means that the human female has to have a very powerful maternal instinct in caring for and protecting her children. This means, women have very little choice in wanting to love. This maternal instinct is so strong that women not only love children, they also love men and animals as well. The caring professions, like nursing, old people carers and social workers are also dominated by women.
On the other hand, men do have a choice about whether he wishes to love others. In evolutionary terms, men can fertilize many different women and therefore father lots of children and not be involved in caring for any of them, if he doesn’t wish, to do so. This is one of the reasons why human societies have marriage, laws and customs. Is to try and force men to stay and help to look after the children they have fathered. This attitude of mind is reflected in pornography.
One of the reasons why many women do not like pornography is that it is devoid of love. Women like romantic stories about love, but men are not so sure about this. The reason for this, is that, if you fall in love, then you are ‘hooked’. In other words if you deeply love another person, then you many find yourself devoting your life to caring about other people. For this reason, many men are wary about getting married, and forming relationships as they want freedom from this. This is also why men like pornography, because it is mostly about sex without love. Men do like to have fantasies about having sex with women, without having all the problems of loving relationships or having to care for children. Women on the other hand have no choice in this, it is far harder for women to divorce sex from love and the nurturing children.
Another thing that many women don’t like about pornography is that some of it goes further than just being unloving. Some of it, is about men degrading and hurting women. So why is this? The reason probably is, is that if men do fear loving a woman, then the defence against this, is hatred. By hating women, allows men to have sex with them, without getting emotionally involved in them.
It can be even get more problematic that this. Men do want and need women to love them, but when this happens, it is hard not to love women in return. So hate becomes the antidote to love, as men find themselves in a position of hating the women who loves them. This is shown in extreme porn videos, where women are shown being loving towards men and only receiving abuse in return. These men do not even like to acknowledge these women are being loving, and accuse these abused women of being, kinky, perverted or masochistic. Psychologists claim that women who love abusive men are masochistic because they lack self-esteem. They do not comment on the powerful maternal instinct of women, that allows them to love these types of men. So it is not about her being kinky, perverted or masochistic or any of the other labels people place on these women, but just about the expression of her powerful maternal instincts.
The same cannot be said about men who abuse loving women. It is true they are simply resisting feelings of love, they have for others. Therefore, it is perfectly reasonable for a man, not to want to love, so he is free to do what he likes. But it is not so understandable if he abuses women who love him. Or fathers children and runs away, the moment his girlfriend is pregnant or gives birth.
Another problem women have with pornography is that the type of sex that is written about or shown, is unlikely to give a woman pleasure. Certainly a woman is not going to receive an orgasm through having a penis in her mouth or anus, but this can also be true, if a woman has a penis in her vagina. A very large number of women cannot orgasm through vagina stimulated. The reason for this, is that orgasm can only happen, if the clitoris is stimulated. If a woman has her clitoris close to the opening of her vagina, then the penis might rub against it while the penis is pumping inside her and so she may be able to have an orgasm. But if there is no contact between the penis and clitoris through penetrative sex, then it is very difficult for this to happen. This is still true, even if the man has a gigantic penis.
The problem is, that if a woman tries to explain this to some men, he can see it as a criticism of his sexual performance. As a result, she can be accused of being frigid, and encouraged to see a doctor or a psychologist. Because of this, many women end up faking an orgasm, to spare herself this aggravation. This faking also happens in pornographic stories and videos. For this reason, seeing a porn actress faking an orgasm from penetrative sex, is not going to excite a woman, who knows she cannot orgasm like this.
It seems most women can only orgasm through direct clitoris stimulation, which means that the man has to either use his finger or tongue. Pornography is full of stories and videos of women giving men oral sex but there is not a lot about men giving oral sex to women. And even when that is shown, very few of it shows a man licking a woman’s clitoris until she orgasms. So for this reason, as far as women are concerned, pornography is only about men’s pleasure and not about what women enjoy.
So the differences between the sexes, in their attitude to pornography and romance are all to do about their different feelings about love. Women are looking for love and relationships in their sex lives, whereas many men prefer to separate sex from love. In this, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of compromise. Many men have learnt to have loving relationships with women when they live with them and have a family. But it is very difficult for women to have sexual relationships without love. It is true women working in the sex industry are expected to do this, but they don’t find it easy. The stereotype of the prostitute with the heart of gold is true, because women find it too difficult to suppress their maternal instincts completely.
So the pornographic industry will continue while many men fantasize about sex without love, and women are willing to serve the needs of these men.