Sunday, 31 January 2010

Why Men Love Dominant Women.

Logically it makes no sense of any man to want to live with a Dominant Woman. After all, nowadays, men can answer adverts for women in Thailand or Philippines or Russia, where we are told women are very submissive and will so anything the man wants. As it is claimed they are old fashion women who will cook and clean the house for him and he can have sex with them whenever and however he likes. So why would any man want to live with a Feminist wife who will demand equal shares in everything, or a Dominant Women who expect the man to do as he is told at all times? But logic doesn’t seem to have a lot to do with human behaviour; as it is emotions that motivate us all.

This to me was highlighted many years ago when I was part of a conversation with a woman who was complaining about her neighbor, “her over the road”. The complaining woman prided herself on being a good mother to her teenage children, and devoted her life of caring and looking after them. But in spite of everything she done for her children, none of them showed any gratitude and took everything she was doing for them, for granted. The situation was very different for, “her over the road”. She also had teenage children but the complaining women saw her as a bad mother, as she did very little for her children. For instance; in the mornings when her children had to get ready to go to school she stayed in bed and the children had to get ready themselves. Not only that, the children had to not only get their own breakfast, they had to make a breakfast for their mother and give it to her in bed! Yet, the teenage children of, “her over the road”, thought their mother was wonderful, and were happy to do anything their mother wanted. This greatly infuriated the complaining woman who wanted to know, what was she doing wrong?

After all, logic should tell you that if you give to others and love them unconditionally they should appreciate what you do for them and give love and appreciation in return. It is true some people can appreciate being loved unconditionally but not all people are like that. For instance, there is very little appreciation for unconditional love in patriarchal marriages. Many patriarchal women have given their husbands unconditional love for years; yet have only receive physical and verbal abuse in return.

The problem for any man living with a traditional patriarchal wife is that he is not encouraged to love others. Yes, a submissive patriarchal wife will love her husband unconditionally but he is not expected to give love back to her. Things are a bit better if a man lives with a Feminist wife, as he is expected to love his wife and children but it is all in the spirit of equal sharing of, “I will give it to you, if you will give it to me”. So love becomes a bargain, and a man is still not expected to give unconditional love.

Unconditional love is generally easy for women because they have a maternal or nurturing instinct. When most, (not all), women give birth they fall deeply in love with child they have given birth to. But for men, love is not so easy as he doesn’t have such a powerful nurturing instinct. If a man is brought up in a traditional patriarchal society, he is not expected to love anyone or anything. While in very strict patriarchal countries he is actively discouraged from learning to love, as love is seen as a ‘weakness’. After all, how can a man be expected to discipline his wife and children by beating them, if he loves them? Because of this, many men associate dominance with ruthlessness and cruelty.

So in a traditional patriarchal society a man is condemned to live a life where he is only allowed to love himself, and not all men are happy with this situation. When a man only loves himself, he becomes, in the words of the poet John Donne; in his poem, “No Man Is An Island”, “an island, entire, of it self”. In other words, the man becomes isolated to the degree he finds it hard to connect to other people. In this isolated world the man becomes fearful of others. This dilemma is explained by the French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre, through his famous saying, “the other is hell”, this is true when a man cannot connect with others and sees them as his enemy.

Life for the patriarchal woman is not much better. It is easy for her to give unconditional love to her husband because she uses her maternal instincts and thinks of her husband as a child. (This can infuriate some more aware patriarchal men, who realize that their wives are turning them into children). So a patriarchal wife becomes a full time mother and relates to all people in the spirit of motherly concern. Through this she learns to love all people in a motherly way but is not allowed to love herself. This is because by not loving herself she can put all the needs of others before her own and therefore not worry about the way she is oppressed and ill-treated in the patriarchal world. A woman who begins to love herself in a traditional patriarchal society, would find life very stressful.

In the last couple of centuries many men have wanted to break out of their patriarchal isolation and have looked to salvation from Dominant Women. Like Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, who in 1870 published his famous book “Venus In Furs”. This book started the Femdom genre as all other Femdom stories have followed a similar theme. Sacher-Masoch wasn’t just a fantasist; he lived out many of the themes within “Venus In Furs” with his mistress Baroness Fanny Pistor. He was also wrote articles on the emancipation of women and advocate female education and suffrage. His other writings showed him to be a caring man as he wrote about the problems of impoverished and oppressed peoples.

The problem with the Femdom genre, is that it is all about dominance and submission and because most of these stories are written by men, love is hardly mentioned. Yet, love is the key to understand Femdom, and men’s attraction to Dominant Women. Dominance and submission are thought to be a kinky perversion or even a mental illness. For instance, male psychologists used to think of patriarchal women’s desires to love her husband unconditionally, in spite of the fact he was physically and verbally abusing her, as masochism. They never thought of it as the extension of her maternal and nurturing instincts, where they loved their husbands the same way they love children.

So why do men have to look to Dominant Women for salvation? This is because only Dominant Women can teach men to love deeply.

Feminist Women can also teach men to love, but the difficulty with Feminism is that it teaches equality between men and women. So it is about men and women loving each other equally. This is not a problem for Women, but for men love then becomes a bargain. “I will love you, if you will love me”. So by making love a bargain it is devalued and not very satisfactory for both partners. But when a man loves a Dominant Women then, he is connected to a very powerful love that can take over his whole life.

What men find is that it is not easy for them to love traditional patriarchal women, they can love Feminist Women more, but with Dominant Women they find they can love them so deeply, that they want to worship and serve them and become their slaves. The reason for this; is that Dominant Women have learnt how to love themselves. The more a Woman can learn to love herself, the more deeply a man can love her. This is why men have problems in loving patriarchal women, the patriarchal women is so busy sacrificing herself and giving to others unconditional love, she doesn’t allow any room for others to love her.

As previously mentioned, although a Feminist Woman can teach a man to love, it is conveyed to him that love is a bargain. The result is that in Feminist marriages there are arguments about who is giving more to whom. So a Feminist wife may complain that she is still doing more to look after the kids and the house than her husband, who in turns thinks he is already doing a lot to help her. Which means that when love becomes a bargain, then that gets in the way of people loving each other, deeply.

There is no problem with this, in a traditional patriarchal marriage or in a man’s relationship with a Dominant Women. A patriarchal woman doesn’t expect her husband to love her. Likewise a man who loves a Dominant Women learns that his love for her has to be unconditional, for the relationship to work.

We can see this in Femdom groups with men’s desire to be cuckold. That is to say, the Dominant Woman is free to have sexual relationships with any man she likes but he has to stay faithful to her. In some relationships they go even further where the man is put into a chastity belt, so he cannot have sex unless his partner unlocks him. Some Dominant Women may also ban the man from having penetrative sex, so the only sexual contact he has with her, is giving her cunnilingus. Yet, these men are more than happy to accept these conditions and even encourage their partners to be more extreme in their behaviour.

So from this point of view it might seem that a FemDom relationship is very much like a traditional patriarchal relationship but with the Woman playing the dominant role and not the man. But there is one vital difference. It is far easier for a Dominant Woman to love her submissive male partner, than it is for a patriarchal man to love his submissive wife. We can see this in the different attitudes of physical and verbal abuse.

Some men strongly desire Dominant Women to punish them by being whipped or caned or verbally abuse them. After all, this is what men have been doing to Women for thousand of years, in strict patriarchal marriages. But not all Dominant Women want to do this. The reason is that Women understand love better than what men do. So if a Woman has to make a man obedient through physical punishment, then it puts doubt in the Woman’s mind if he truly loves her. The reason is because if he deeply loved her, then he would obey her without question, and his biggest punishment will simply be the knowledge, that he hasn’t pleased her.

This then shows the big difference between patriarchy and Matriarchy. In a patriarchal society men are not taught to love, as he is told that love is a ‘weakness’. While in a Matriarchal society most Women will find it hard to suppress their maternal or nurturing instincts. For this reason it is difficult for a Woman to learn to love herself, by suppressing her love for others. (Though admittedly some Women do try to do this). So for most Women, she has to learn how to be both loving and dominant at the same time. In other words, a Dominant Women has to learn how to love herself and love others at the same time.

For people brought up in the patriarchal tradition find this hard to believe. Because men are told that a man cannot be a ‘strong’ leader unless he is cruel and ruthless. So it is not surprising to find patriarchal men to be selfish and brutal people. Now it is true that in an unloving society where men are not encouraged to love each other, it inevitable that the most ruthless men are likely to become the rulers. But this doesn’t have to be the case in a Matriarchal society, where everyone will be encouraged and taught to love others.

In other words, a Dominant Women is unlikely to dominate through coercion and physical violence; she will dominate through love, the love of herself. Even if a Woman does spank a man or use physical violence, he has to co-operate and allow her to do this. This is because the average man is bigger and stronger than the average woman. So physical violence will end up being only a symbol of her power, over him, and nothing to do with the way she dominates him. The dominance comes through a Woman’s love for herself.

An example of a woman who is able to love others and love herself at the same time would be the Country and Western singer Dolly Parton. Recently I saw a TV programme about her life and at no time did she say anything bad about anyone or others said anything bad about her. She came across at all times as a very loving and caring person. Yet she was also a strong-minded businesswoman, she was clearly in charge of her own life and career and her husband was hardly mentioned. He allowed himself to stay very much in the background and not interfere in her life. So to me she came across as a woman who is able to love herself and love others at the same time.

As previously mentioned, the more a Woman can learn to love herself the more men can love her. For instance if a Women doesn’t love herself, she is unlikely to accept a man worshipping and serving her. It will become difficult for her to allow him to keep on giving to her without giving in return. And in no way would a Women like this accept a man’s worship of allowing him to kiss her feet or bottom or give her cunnilingus. But by not allowing him to serve and worship her, she is denying him the opportunity to learn to love another person, unconditionally.

Now this can be a controversial subject as patriarchal religions have taught people to be humble or as in Eastern Religions, to overcome the ego. So the ego has become in the minds of many people another sort of Devil. Yet, if you think about it for a moment, you realise that people who are humble and have little love for themselves are far easier to rule and control than people who do love themselves. So this is why patriarchy teaches humility or that the ego is bad. If the people began to love themselves too much, they wouldn’t put up with patriarchal oppression and so the people are far more likely to rise up and demand equal rights. This is very true for Women who have accepted patriarchal oppression for thousands of years through learning extreme humility, by not being allowed to love themselves. While most patriarchal men where only allowed to love themselves to the degree patriarchal women loved them. Only the rich and powerful were allowed to love themselves without restraint.

With the decline of patriarchal religions in the West, the common men have been allowed to love themselves more. But for Women the change has been far more dramatic and as they learnt to love themselves even more, the more attractive they have become to men.

So men need Dominant Women whom they can serve and worship if they are to learn how to love others unconditionally. While Women through men’s desire to worship them as Goddesses, can fulfill their desire to love themselves.